Blunt ashes
by MrsCuddles
Summary: "I imagine a future where Paige apologized and they make it work." - Jeff Eastin


**A/N: I wasn't planning on sharing this, but here you go. There's a small epilogue after this. - xo**

* * *

Mike didn't know when it happened. Maybe the first time he saw her on that stage, with her blonde hair flowing everywhere, that tight dress that looked terrific on her and the most beautiful smile he had ever seen.

Mike didn't know yet but that woman would soon become his roommate, his teammate and, unavoidably, his ex. They would become confidents and friends - if they ever truly were.

No, they were never _just_ friends. Mike still remembered their first kiss that tasted like hidden desires and cherry chopstick. Paige kissed him too. And rejected him, he had to remind himself that, but damn it Paige _kissed_ _him_.

Then everything happened so fast.

Briggs, Charlie, Jangles, Clarke, and back to DC. Then once again Briggs, LA, Caza, Charlie, Finch, Moreno, Zelanski.

And Paige. Only ever her.

That night spent losing himself in her arms, feeling like nothing could ever break him.

Quick glances, small jealousies, stolen kisses as promises of something more. That ' _I love you_ ' he struggled so hard to keep inside for too long, and then again roaming hands, tangles of bodies and sheets and low moans.

Solano, Lawrence, Sylmar, Lina, Sid, Tecate. A bullet in the side, a mistaken whimper and his heart stopped.

And Paige was gone.

Mike couldn't remember when it all happened but he knew that he fell so desperately in love with Paige and nothing seemed to make sense anymore. In a world made of rationality, Paige was the irrational side of him that made his life worth living.

Even now, watching her laugh along with Jakes and Johnny from his spot on the sofa next to Charlie - watching her laugh and throw her head back at something Charlie just said, beer in hand and sparkling eyes in between, even now Mike felt that too strong desire of taking her in his arms and hold her tight for no reason whatsoever.

He stared at the curve of her lips, followed the line of her nose, let his gaze linger on those big green eyes he was crazy for. Paige smiled quickly in return and the rest didn't seem to matter anymore.

' _I need to talk to you_ ,' Mike mouthed to her, subtly moving away from where Charlie was resting against his side. She was too busy bickering with their roommates to even notice that the support of Mike's body had been replaced by a pile of pillows.

Light on her feet, Paige entered the kitchen and leaned her elbows on the counter, waiting for Mike behind the wall, away from indiscreet ears. She had to admit to feeling a little giddy knowing that after everything that happened, Mike picked her to confide in again.

Bringing the beer up to her lips, she felt Mike's presence behind her.

"What's up?"

There was one more thing Mike loved about Paige. Her voice that could light up feelings inside of him that nobody else could, something that it was impossible for him to control.

Standing close to her back, Mike invaded her personal space and caged her between his arms, leaning down to whisper in her ear.

" _I miss you._ "

Under any other circumstances, he would have never said anything like that. After everything they went through, they were trying to forge again that friendship-ish type thing they had going on at first.

But they got a day off. They laughed, they talked, they drank, did some zombie shots and chupitos, and Mike knew their brains were both fuzzy and poisoned enough to hold the weigth of those three words.

He pulled away, enough to see her reaction. Paige didn't say anything, but she turned her head to stare at him with her eyes wide open that showed something Mike was struggling to identify. Whether it was disgust or desire, Paige had always been a riddle to him. Always. He had never been able to read her as well as he could read the others, there was always something so mysterious about her that intrigued him beyond any level.

Suddenly Paige's hand found his and she dragged him out of the kitchen and up the stairs - Mike followed close on her tail, letting her guide him to that room where all their memories were lost forever.

Their hands were still clasped together when Paige slammed the door open and forcefully shoved him on her bed. Mike bounced lightly as she closed the door and leaned against it to take deep breaths. The instinct of sitting up was stronger than him, but when she whirled around in pure anger, he could see the fire burning in her eyes and instantly knew that once again, he was in trouble.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"I wish I knew." Mike laughed, reclining back on his elbows.

"You're drunk."

"Maybe."

Raising her eyebrows, Paige crossed her arms and titled her hip. Mike's eyes darkened with lust. There was just something about Paige that could drive him insane. Even when she was mad, even when her focus was anywhere but on him.

He wanted to unveil her body and slowly deprive her of that pink shirt that looked so good on her, soon to be followed by those ridiculously high cut shorts that left her legs bare and toned before his eyes, thread his fingers through her soft hair, brush them aside and kiss the side of her neck, her cheeks, quietly listening to the change of pace in her breathy sighs.

"You're an idiot."

Uncrossing her arms, Paige took a step closer and growled at him, eyes as thin as slits. Still Mike didn't care to move from where he was laying on his back.

"I am."

He kept repeating to himself that his relationship with Paige was nothing but professional now. However, every time he was out on a date with other women, he couldn't help but feel guilty. Guilty for giving up so easily, guilty for not fighting harder for her. But he knew what the real truth behind all that was, he felt guilty because _they weren't Paige_.

"And you're drunk."

Mike sat up better and shifted to the edge of her bed. Trailing his fingers over her hip, he stared up at her in silence.

"You already said that."

A sudden draft blew through the window and her golden locks tickled her face, making her look even more beautiful. It left him hanging, dreaming, wishing he was still in a place where it would be weird but perfectly normal for him to reach out and touch her.

"Stop." With a snap of her wrist, Paige pinned his hand flat on her side when it started creeping up underneath her shirt.

But Mike didn't budge. Slowly, his fingers started sliding upwards again, delighted that her eyes shifted closed under his touch.

"Make me."

Mike retrieved his hand just a little before diving in once again. Teasing her. Torturing her. The way her scent was doing the same with him.

"If you don't want this, stop me right now." Using his free hand to pull her close, he leaned in to lightly trail his lips over the flap of skin left uncovered by her shirt. His eyes still fixed on her face to watch her reaction. "If you don't want this, why am I still here?"

Suppressing their feelings was just a means to an end to further damage their hearts. It was useless, but it was the only way to survive in their world, they both knew it.

Mike felt her giving in. Every fleeting kiss, every soft touch, every labored breath made her body melt under his lips and all too soon Mike's fingers were tangled in her hair again. A nice contrast to the withheld and sour words escaping her lips.

"I don't want you here. I don't want _you_."

With loving touches, Mike made his way up her body and slowly brought himself up to eye level, dragging his lips over the shell of her ear and letting his hands slid up towards her breasts. Paige groaned in response, trying to retain the soft gasp that was threatening to escape her mouth.

"I'm kissing you, Paige," Mike muttered, his voice husky as he kissed her lobe and fervently caressed her. "And _you_ 're not stopping me _._ "

"I'm drunk." Her voice was broken and her reply sounded weak even to her own ears.

The smile that broke on Mike's face sent chill up her spine and she closed her eyes with a sigh when he kissed the spot behind her ear and slowly peeled the shirt off of her.

"No, you're not." Mike loved kissing her this way. He loved to see how vulnerable she could be when she tried so hard to resist, knowing that she would eventually give in. "Let me love you tonight, Paige."

Abruptly, Paige braced his shoulders for a few seconds before pushing him away. She stared at him fire-eyed, her bare torso trembling in front of him with every angry breath she took.

Ignoring her murderous look, Mike reached out and brushed her hair off her face, relaxing when he saw her eyes shifting to the side to follow his fingers as they tucked her bangs behind her ear.

They both had incomprehensible quirks. Every day they would find something irritating or unusual about the other and that feeling in the pit of their stomach would increase a little more. Mike loved her quirks. It was refreshing to know that despite the difficult time they were going through, he was still the only one who could catch those small little things that made her _so_ Paige.

"I can't love you, Mike."

No matter how hard she tried to suppress them with all her strength, Paige felt her eyes filling up with tears.

For a split second Mike stood there looking at her, torn between going away or staying and risking everything. There she was, the Paige he fell in love with. The Paige that had and would always have his heart.

That night, with the alcohol still fresh in his veins, Mike _needed_ Paige.

"I'm not asking you to love me. If you want me to be your punching bag, Paige, I will. Punch me as hard as you can, head butt me, kick my ass, I don't care. You can destroy me, reduce me to nothing. But let our past maul us both. Even for just one last time, if that's what you want."

Tracing her lips, he bravely caressed the back of her hand dangling at her side.

"Love me tonight so there won't be a tomorrow."

Sometimes he felt like Paige would send him sporadic signals, but when he finally caught them, it was like she would either back out or shy away. Not tonight.

"Mike." Tonight he wouldn't let her do that, he would let the past take over. "Kiss me…"

Before she could have a chance to change her mind, Mike kissed her with tender passion, murmuring her name over and over again against her lips. Paige held onto him as his mouth traveled down her jaw, her neck, dragging down her chest. Only when her eyes finally fluttered closed she was able to savor the warm feeling of his lips on her breasts. She felt Mike's fingers brushing over her, guiding her to lay down on her bed. Exploring her ever so gently but with loving need. Somehow, he was cherishing her and surviving of her silent moans all at once.

"Look at me…"

And she did, she looked at him.

* * *

To Mike there was nothing better than watching Paige lay flat on her stomach and sleep peacefully in his arms. His eyes would stick to her beautiful figure, unable to settle anywhere else but on her. On her stunning blonde hair sprawled over her pillow, on her bruised lips pressed together in a small pout, on her fine nose that would occasionally scrunch up when Mike traced his finger up her back and disturb her sleep.

Propping his head up on his palm, Mike tangled his hand in her hair and stroked his thumb over the nape of her neck, grinning lightly when he saw her smile and bury her face further in the pillow.

"Mike," she called him out, her voice still hoarse from sleep. "How long are you planning to stare at me for?"

Mike didn't bother to answer. That was a stupid question. They both knew they were running out of time, they knew things would go back to normal sooner than they both wanted and intended.

Laying on his back, he pulled on top of his chest, sighing contentedly when she rested her head in the crook of his neck, tracing her fingers up and down his stomach. His hand cupped her shoulder and he stared up at the ceiling, trying not to wince when she spoke again.

"We're so messed up, you know that?"

He didn't say anything, Paige was probably the only person in the world who could leave him speechless. Cupping her face, he dropped a soft kiss to the tip of her nose before squeezing her closer to him.

"We had something so special."

The corners of her mouth formed a bitter smile, because Mike was the first person in years she had felt this close to. Probably the closest in her whole life. The only one who made her heart beat a million miles a minute, forcing a smile on her face even when she didn't want to. Losing that - losing _him_ \- it was almost like losing a piece of herself.

"I know we've never really talked about it, but… I forgive you. Whatever you might still feel responsible for, I, I forgive you too. And I'm sorry."

"I don't wanna hear it, Paige. Not now."

There was a whole world behind his closed lids: images and pieces of memories flashed non-stop in front of him, shreds of a life that could have been.

He could see her swaying side to side to the music on stage and singing along in Korean, the first night they met. He could feel the amazement he felt when their eyes met and it was like he couldn't even remember his name anymore.

Despite everything, that was the night that changed his life forever. The night Paige came into his life like a storm.

"Maybe you should, before this all ends. Because _I lov_ -"

For the first time in two years they'd known each other, Mike used all his strength to squeeze Paige in his arms. To forcefully stop those words. He didn't want to hear them. Not now that everything was lost, it would make it all worse. It would make him wonder of what could have been of them if he had been a better man. If they had been different people. If they had had different lives.

" _Don't_. Just don't, Paige."

The memory of Paige's first bright smile and flirtatious look faded away and one more flood of memories streamed in his mind at full speed. He could see all their secret kisses, their painful goodbyes, broken promises - he could feel the bullet piercing his side and finally see Sid's face before everything went black and he fell like the latest and nastiest of criminals.

Suddenly his chest felt like bursting out, everything tightened up, got narrower and… and Paige's lips were on his chest, taking care of his breathing. Her hand pressing solidly to the top of his stomach to expertly teach his diaphragm to unwind.

"Shhh," she instructed softly, tucking her head under his chin. "It's okay. Relax, Mike. Just breathe."

No, he couldn't let that happen. He wouldn't let their dreadful fate take away the only person who had ever been able to get him - not after everything it robbed him of already.

They would never be together again, but there was no way he would let go of what she meant to him.

Curling his arm around her, Mike let his head drop back on the pillow and closed his eyes, breathing through his nose so not to let his voice falter with emotion.

"You've been the one for me, Paige."

Paige settled easily against his chest, snuggling up close to him and wrapping herself in his naked body. She pressed her ear right there where she could hear his heart racing, and let that unusual sound cradle her in silence.

Swallowing hard, Mike fisted her hair and set his jaw tight. The haze from the house drinking games was wearing off and everything was falling back into place, just in time to see the sun rise slowly from the horizon.

Before they finally dozed off for a few hours, he felt Paige's hand on his chin and, looking down, he gazed into her eyes until she framed his face in her hands and kissed him, with slow but greedy eagerness.

Her breathing evened out and the wet of her tears slowly dried up on his chest, although he could still feel some cooling the side of his neck. He could almost taste it on his lips.

Mike tightened his grip around her to convince himself one more time that this wasn't just one of his stupid dreams - one of those hallucinations generated by that mystical nonsense his sleep had become.

Suddenly it was all too clear. The glistening straining tear rolling along the side of his nose foreshadowed the nightmare he would face from now on. No more buts, no more what ifs, just one simple full stop to what they once were.

"Charlie is going to kill us for leaving her to get wasted with Johnny and Jakes."

Paige's sleepy murmur made him smile and his chest rumbled with a genuine chuckle, momentarily forgetting that the tears on his chest were Paige's, but the ones silently flooding through the creases of his neck were his. Mike's.

If they couldn't be what they wanted to be together, they could at least part ways how they wanted to. Together.


End file.
